one or two mid sized red cabbages
one or two cans of Fri Chik
one or two onions
a small number of carrots
a large amount of peanut butter
generous hand with the red pepper
salt (varied according to blood pressure)
enough water to prevent fire
directions (for February)
turn on stove and warm hands in front of the glow. This should restore enough function to permit chopping. turn off the stove (to save on the electric bill). put everything on a large chopping board. hum "Nearer my God to Thee" in French, going up a half step after each time through. this step allows time for the ingredients to right their wrongs, write their wills, and perform last rites. when the entire piece is in falsetto, switch to "God rest ye merry gentlemen" (whistled with Texas accent) and flail savagely at the ingredients with a large knife. continue this process until your heart rate is over 120. stop chopping and dump all ingredients into a large kettle. turn on the stove, put on the kettle, and start listening to Rutter's Requiem. stir between movements. start eating as soon as the cooked cabbage smell trumps the peanut butter smell.
